"Are you sure you know how to drive one of these Liz ?"
"Of course Phillip. I learned during the war you know."
"Yes, but that was a long while ago. Are you sure they haven't changed ?"
"Don't be silly. Everyone knows that this locomotive was built in 1892..."
"Was it ?"
"Yes it was. You don't get to be monarch without knowing this sort of thing. The Krauss locomotive works built four of these small steam locomotives for the railways of Austria's Styrian region. One of these short tank engines, the "Stainz," is the oldest surviving narrow gauge steam locomotive in Austria. We should go and take a look one day."
"Never mind the history lesson. You can cross out the number in your Ian Allan another day. Just get this thing moving."
"Calm down Phillip."
"Calm down! Calm down ! Don't you understand Liz, if they spot we've done a runner then they'll drag us back to that bloody concert and make us listen to more rejects from TV talent shows !"
"Don't forget me !"
"Charles. What are you doing here ?"
"I can't take it any more. Ben Elton is fawning over us on stage. I told them I needed a pee and slipped out the back way."
"That's ridiculous boy. Don't you know the Queen never goes to the toilet ? You won't be getting the top job anytime soon if you don't learn that sort of thing. Anyway, who have you left in the seats ?"
"Don't worry. Harry is enjoying it. He keeps shouting at the stage but I don't think anyone is listening.
"Ohhh. Well look. Get on the train while your mother starts her up. I don't know how you two think we are going to escape incognito dressed like that but if we get a head start we can make it outside the M25 before anyone realises we've gone."
Will our hero's escape ?
Can they make it north of Watford before being dragged back to hear yet another bunch of pretend opera singers ?
Is rattling along narrow gauge lines behind a locomotive over 100 years old, driven by a octogenarian sovereign better than being forced to watch the dancing dog from a talent show ?
Can I get any more mileage out of a set of G-scale royal family figures bought at a model boat show 5 years ago ?
If I can, do I use the Diana figure so far absent from the photos ?
Will normal service return to this blog tomorrow ?